He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
