hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
