Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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