im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
