I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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