yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
