omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
