my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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