I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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