imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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