my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
