Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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