he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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