she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
