I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
