I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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