every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
