does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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