I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
