I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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