I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
