I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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