I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
