im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
