i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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