Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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