I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
