If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
