I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
