How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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