Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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