I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
