i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
