So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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