im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
