i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize