I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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