nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
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