I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
