I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize