Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
