I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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