Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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