my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she told me i tasted like america
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
