just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
