At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
