I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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