Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I need water and some morals
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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