Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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