Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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