Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
