We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize