Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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