My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
