You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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