you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
