Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize