never play flip cup with pint glasses
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize