My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
