They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
